It's Not Easy Being Green

I feel blue.

That is supposed to be read with the most dramatic-eeyore-gloomy sounding tone.

Well, I don't actually feel blue. I think my mind just THINKS I'm SUPPOSED to be feeling blue. Or maybe I am feeling blue. You know what...I actually don't know.

I should be feeling yellowy.

Because yellow is a really happy color. And I have a lot to look forward to this year. So, technically, I should be yellow.

But it's hard because in every yellow moment, I hear a tiny voice in my head counting down the days until I graduate. And then I mush into a weird green color. You know, because blue and yellow.

I think that's the problem.

Nothing is actually wrong.

In fact, things are really good right now. I live with my best friends. I'm starting my senior year. I have trips planned and football games to go to and people I love within walking distance. I have an entire year left...

...which is a lot of time until you start saying things like “last first day” and “last football season” and “last fall in Norman.” Then suddenly everyone is putting the word last in front of perfectly good things and ruining them.

I don't want to spend my senior year mourning my senior year.

But I also don't know how to love something without being a little sad that I don't get to keep it forever.

Maybe that's green. Green isn't actualllyyy THAT bad of a color.

Maybe it's just what happens when you're really happy to be somewhere and really sad that someday you won't be.

Shouldn't I be lucky?

Lucky is green too.

Hm.

And maybe I need to stop trying to figure out whether I'm happy or sad or blue or yellow in the first place.

I can be excited to graduate and not want to graduate. I can want to know what comes next and want everything to stay exactly the same. I can be ready for a new life and still really, really like this one.

Apparently I contain multitudes.

Or colors.

Whatever.

I still have a year.

So I think I'm going to try to stop counting down and start paying attention.

Green isn't so bad.