Hope is a Good Thing

Mom called today and I can't seem to shake our conversation. Honestly, I think it caught me at the right time.

She told me about someone walking through something so difficult I can't even imagine. It's the kind of thing that makes you realize how little control we actually have over some parts of life.

What stuck with me, though, was the way this person was walking through it. There was still faith. There was still prayer. There was still hope.

My mom and I talked about it for a while. She was so encouraging, and we kept coming back to the same conclusion: hope is a good thing.

Not because having hope means you know how something is going to turn out. We don't. Most times we pray and pray and still don't know what God is going to do. But we get to hope anyway. Which is a blessing, really.

Tonight, I spent time praying out loud.

I prayed for the situation. I prayed for the people involved. And then I just kept talking.

At some point I started crying, and I think that's when it stopped feeling like I was "saying a prayer" and started feeling like I was talking to God.

Like actually talking to Him.

I told Him what I was thinking and what I was scared of. I asked questions. I probably rambled. I talked to Him the same way I would talk to a friend. I felt like He wanted to hear me.

And that was kind of crazy to think about. God has infinitely more power than I do, and yet I still felt worth His time. I didn't need to have anything important to say. I didn't need to understand what I was feeling before I brought it to Him.

I could just give it to Him.

I think that's one of the greatest comforts of knowing Jesus. I've known Him for a long time, and still, every once in a while, I have a moment where something I've known for years feels new again.

Last year, one of my memory verses was Proverbs 3:5–6, which starts with, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding..." I've repeated that verse more times than I can count, but tonight, I think I understood it a little differently.

There are things on Earth that I will never understand. There are prayers I won't know the answer to and situations I would never be able to carry on my own. And I think that's part of why I can't imagine my life without Jesus.

I don't know how I would do it.

I think this is also where the question comes up: if God is good, why do bad things happen to good people? I don't have an answer that can make every painful thing make sense, and I don't think I'm supposed to. My faith has never promised me a life where nothing hurts. If anything, Jesus is the reason I know suffering isn't evidence that God has left. He stepped into suffering Himself. I don't trust God because I believe He will keep every bad thing from happening to me or the people I love. I trust Him because I believe He is still good when I don't understand, still present when life hurts, and still able to bring hope into places where I can't see any on my own.

Knowing Him doesn't mean I never hurt or worry or question things. It means I have somewhere to put all of it. I have someone to talk to when I don't have the words, someone to trust when nothing makes sense, and hope when there isn't an obvious reason to have it.

And none of that is something I've earned.

That's just who He is.

It's Not Easy Being Green

I feel blue.

That is supposed to be read with the most dramatic-eeyore-gloomy sounding tone.

Well, I don't actually feel blue. I think my mind just THINKS I'm SUPPOSED to be feeling blue. Or maybe I am feeling blue. You know what...I actually don't know.

I should be feeling yellowy.

Because yellow is a really happy color. And I have a lot to look forward to this year. So, technically, I should be yellow.

But it's hard because in every yellow moment, I hear a tiny voice in my head counting down the days until I graduate. And then I mush into a weird green color. You know, because blue and yellow.

I think that's the problem.

Nothing is actually wrong.

In fact, things are really good right now. I live with my best friends. I'm starting my senior year. I have trips planned and football games to go to and people I love within walking distance. I have an entire year left...

...which is a lot of time until you start saying things like “last first day” and “last football season” and “last fall in Norman.” Then suddenly everyone is putting the word last in front of perfectly good things and ruining them.

I don't want to spend my senior year mourning my senior year.

But I also don't know how to love something without being a little sad that I don't get to keep it forever.

Maybe that's green. Green isn't actualllyyy THAT bad of a color.

Maybe it's just what happens when you're really happy to be somewhere and really sad that someday you won't be.

Shouldn't I be lucky?

Lucky is green too.

Hm.

And maybe I need to stop trying to figure out whether I'm happy or sad or blue or yellow in the first place.

I can be excited to graduate and not want to graduate. I can want to know what comes next and want everything to stay exactly the same. I can be ready for a new life and still really, really like this one.

Apparently I contain multitudes.

Or colors.

Whatever.

I still have a year.

So I think I'm going to try to stop counting down and start paying attention.

Green isn't so bad.

Playing California Girl

Last vacation of the summer...and I got to swim in the Pacific Ocean for the first time. It was almost my last time too, considering I was getting absolutely mauled by the waves and caught in a riptide.

California is truly beautiful.

Queue California Girls by the Beach Boys for the rest of this post...

I flew from Oklahoma and met my family at Long Beach Airport, and we spent the day in Seal Beach. By that night, we were settled in at Dad's cousin's house in Huntington Beach. The next day was spent by the water, acquiring some gnarly sunburns. The sand is different than it is in the South. It's less powdery and more grainy. I liked the way it stuck to my skin.

My roommate, Abby, drove about an hour from her hometown to spend the day at the beach with us. It was really sweet getting to see her home state through her eyes. After knowing her for three years and finally seeing California...well, it all makes sense.

At one point, Elsie started flipping around in the sand, and I got the strongest sense of déjà vu. I haven't done any sort of cheerleading in about three years, but I kept thinking, I feel like I can still do it. Mom said you would've thought I'd been drinking because there was no way I was voluntarily throwing my body backward sober. I landed the back handspring...to my complete surprise. My elbows definitely paid the price, though. Cheerleading dies hard.

We spent a few more days on the beach, which is my family's happy place. Us girls lay in the sand until we get too hot, swim for about thirty minutes, then come back to dry off before doing it all over again. It never gets old. Kade and Jalen spend practically the entire day in the water practicing their boogie boarding. It's also nice seeing Dad actually get to relax and enjoy a vacation.

Speaking of Dad...

A good-lookin' shortboard surfer competing in the U.S. Open of Surfing walked up to him and said that his daughter in the Rip Curl tank top was "very, very beautiful" and that I should come watch him compete the next day. Unfortunately, Mom and I had already wandered off to the beach bar, so we completely missed the interaction. Apparently happy hour comes at a cost.

When Dad told me later, I immediately asked if he'd given him my number...my Instagram...something.

His response?

"Ahhh...that would've been a good idea."

Are. You. Kidding???

Worst wingman ever.

We did end up going to the tournament, and it was so cool. I'd never seen anything like it outside of movies. Watching everyone compete made me want to dust off my longboard when I get home. I'm definitely no pro surfer...but I can sure try.

One day we rented kayaks and snorkel gear to paddle out past the sandbar and look for some West Coast ocean life. Mom and I shared a kayak.

Mom and I also flipped the kayak.

You can imagine how the rest of that escapade went.

The second half of our trip was spent in Palm Springs with the Clarkson cousins. We swam, hiked, played games, shopped, ate, and then swam some more. The temperature reached 117°, which was absolutely insane.

I'm really grateful I got to experience this part of the country with my family. The United States is such a beautiful place, and getting to play California girl for a week was verrryyyy fun.

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